How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

You know you need better boundaries—but every time you try, guilt floods your body like a betrayal.

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone. As a therapist and feminist coach, I see this all the time—especially with women raised to prioritize harmony, emotional labor, and keeping others comfortable at all costs. You’re not weak. You’re not failing. You’re navigating deeply wired patterns of survival.

Let’s unpack where that guilt really comes from—and how to set boundaries anyway.

Why Guilt Shows Up When You Set Boundaries

Most of us were never taught healthy boundaries. Instead, we were taught:

• To be nice, not honest

• To caretake instead of speak up

• That other people’s reactions are our responsibility

So when you start reclaiming your time, energy, or emotional space, your nervous system doesn’t register that as “healthy.” It registers it as dangerous.

This is especially true after divorce, when guilt is already running high—especially if you’re co-parenting, rebuilding your identity, or learning to navigate new relationship dynamics.

The guilt isn’t a signal that your boundary is wrong.
It’s a sign that your body is unlearning a pattern.

Reframing Boundaries as Care, Not Conflict

Boundaries are not walls. They’re clarity.
They’re not punishments. They’re protection.
They’re not about controlling others. They’re about honoring yourself.

A boundary is simply a statement of what’s okay and what’s not—and what you’ll do to care for yourself in response.

Example: “I won’t continue this conversation if I’m being yelled at.”
Example: “I’m unavailable to take on more this week.”
Example: “I’m not discussing my dating life with my ex.”

It doesn’t have to be dramatic to be effective. It just needs to be true.

Somatic Signs You Need a Boundary

Your body often knows long before your brain catches up. Here are signs your system is telling you something’s off:

• Tight chest or throat during a conversation

• Resentment or dread when someone texts or calls

• Fatigue after interacting with certain people

• Rehearsing what you wish you said

These are boundary cues. Your body is trying to tell you: something here doesn’t feel safe or sustainable.

Scripts to Try When You Feel Guilt Creeping In

Sometimes we avoid boundaries because we fear they’ll make us seem mean, cold, or selfish. Try these reframe-ready scripts to hold the line with compassion:

• “I care about this, and I’m not available right now.”

• “I want to be honest with you—this isn’t working for me.”

• “I’m choosing to step back from this dynamic. It’s about me, not you.”

• “That’s not something I can say yes to, but I hope you find the support you need.”

You don’t owe anyone over-explaining, justifying, or emotional labor. Clarity is kind.

Want to Practice Boundaries with Support?

If boundary-setting still feels scary, you’re not alone. That’s why I created Reclaim & Rise—a coaching group for women unlearning people-pleasing, perfectionism, and self-abandonment. Together, we practice:

• Saying no without shame

• Creating boundaries in co-parenting and dating

• Listening to your body’s cues

• Rebuilding trust in your voice

✨ Ready to practice boundaries without guilt?

Join the waitlist for the next cohort (fall 2025) of Reclaim: Divorced Mamas Rising!

You’re not too much. You’re just telling the truth.

And that’s revolutionary.